Tuesday 26th January

160126

WATCHING YOU DROWN:

The last time I glimpsed her was in a text she sent at 4:20am,
apologising for the torrent of abusive texts she’d sent me
during rehearsals. She finished with the cute Emoji she’s adopted
to signify her love since she stopped writing kisses.
At 5am I found her, sat on the floor, red rings around her swollen
eyes, back to the Aga, clutching a hot water bottle & led her gently
up to bed where she turned on me & threw me out, insisting that she
couldn’t complete the elaborate set of rituals she has to perform in
order to get into bed. She lives in the twi-light zone, used to get
up at 5am, now it’s 1:30pm. Eats breakfast at 2pm, lunch at 6 &
dinner god-knows-when. 5am has become her ‘normal’ bed time, eating
alone at every meal. She has become a recluse since her school, with
a heavy heart, reluctantly told us they could no longer take
responsibility for someone in such poor health. The structure of
school was the only thing that broke her obsessive day-long rituals
that have now escalated with such ferocity that she is drowning,
red-eyed & only able to communicate the last scraps of her infectious
joy for life, natural humour & brilliant wit through nocturnal Emoji.

(K)

9 thoughts on “Tuesday 26th January

  1. :-(…painful to read…so much going on here…i can only comment on the “rituals”…which i had at a young age…new rituals being constantly added to the growing list to the point of not being able to perform them all and unable to have a “normal” day like everyone else seemed to have…anyhooo…it got too much,my mum intervened-my task was to stop at least one every day to see if my theory that something awful might happen would come true…nothing awful happened,i stopped them all and became free…i hope things get better ,it’s painful to watch those we love go through their own pain…but they can and DO come through it stronger free-er,and happier …little comfort just now i know…

  2. Karl I can only imagine how this feels for you. We live through our children’s wonderful achievements and die a little when they are in pain and suffering. She’s lucky to have a Dad that understands the nature of suffering and the human condition. I’ve a friend who is a consultant psychologist at the maudsley, I would happily connect you both.

  3. I wish I had words and insight to offer, but the others have said it better than I ever could. Just please hang in there and know that you’ll all get through it somehow. God bless.

  4. As well described by Caroline, I can only offer a tool from another’s box. The seperation of the rituals from the self, to disown, and reject them as not yours, as an interference, not the truth of you. Born out of a seed of success when a little scrap of control over a small thing brings some comfort in a crisis, rituals swelled and expanded into a bloated monster that was crushing a friends teenage son against the walls of the unhappy and tiny emotional space his life eventually occupied.
    With others we embarked on a path to try and reclaim him. Eventually he was persuaded to choose a ‘task’ to eliminate everyday, write it out on sheet of paper, then when the ‘disaster ‘ didnt happen the paper would be burnt on the fire to destroy it to the eye, and hopefully the mind.
    This was a few years ago, it was exhausting, traumatic and sometimes frightening, But….slowly, steadily, progress was made, a stream of parasitic rituals were sent up in smoke. Since, he’s learnt to live a creative, very tidy life, in a tiny house where he says there is only room for him, a swearing parrot, that was his grandad’s and collection of bonsai trees. I think the gobby parrot constantly proves that a little chaos is fine and the bonsai’ that a little control I also fine.
    I offer this with the heartfelt hope that your much loved, poor beleaguered girl will let herself be lifted out of her tangled cage, and start to believe she will be safe and deserves the love and freedom that is so close.

  5. 6 needs 6.tis a pitty…made me happy,miss hearing it.
    Would you please come to my bed tonight karl,
    i’ve to give you a kiss
    🙂

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