WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ON STAGE?:

It’s hot!
Where am I?
Why am I dancing like an elephant?
Who made it so hard to open these bloody water bottles?
How do you look cool & struggle with opening a water bottle?
What song is this?
Why is that speaker cable smiling at me?
Why does this mic cable keep wrapping round my legs?
Why is it trying to kill me?
Make me dance like a drunk elephant,
How soon can I go back to using a radio mic?
Mustn’t get upset about the radio mic thing,
We discussed that,
Remember?
Oh yeah,
Sorry,
That’s ok,
You’re tired,
No I’m not,
Yes you are,
Keep moving,
No one will know we’re having this conversation,
Keep making sounds with your mouth,
Try & stay in time,
Why can’t I stay in time,
Because you’re not a real singer,
Oh yeah,
Why is that bloke in the audience eating a giant pasty?
Should I say something?
I’ll start concocting something funny to say whilst I’m singing,
Make a joke out’ve it?
Embarrass him?
You shit!
Leave him alone he’s enjoying his pasty,
I respect a man who enjoys a pie,
I wonder where he got it?
I’m hungry,
No I’m not,
I’m gonna stuff my face with weird fruit after the show,
Eat too much,
Regret it in the morning,
Noodles,
And suger juice,
Real bad stuff,
I’d be justified,
Righteous,
All this dancing entitles me to be a pig,
You’re an elephant!
Shut it,
I’m doing my best,
Well it’s crap & they can see it,
Damn,
Fall off the front of the stage,
Do us all a favour,
It’s Hot!
Who stole my oxygen?
What if I have a heart attack?
What if I suffocate like a deep sea diver,
This air is saturated!
It’s more water than oxygen,
Salty from the sweat of people,
I’m breathing in the molecules of strangers,
Tonight’s the night I fall off the front of the stage,
For sure,
Can I make it look cool?
Naaa,
Move away from the front of the stage!
Move closer,
Closer,
Closer,
Why am I dancing like an elephant?
Where am I?
How far through the set are we?
It’s hot?
Why can’t I get the top of this bloody water bottle off?
Who the hell wrapped the lids in plastic!?
There’s a machine specifically designed to wrap water bottles,
Just to screw with singers dying of thirst,
You’re not dying of thirst,
You haven’t stopped drinking water for hours,
What if I de-hydrate?
I might die,
So what?
Why didn’t someone think to unwrap them?!
Do you want someone to wipe your arse as well?
It’s impossible to get off!
Damn!
Damn!
Damn!
Sod it,
Now it’s running up my sleeve!
Make it look cool,
What’s the thing with looking cool?
Since when did looking cool matter?
Be real!
What’s that?
Dancing like an elephant,
Shit!
I’ve forgotten how to dance!
Since when did you know how?
Move closer to the front of the stage,
Don’t tread on the cables hidden in the dark,
You’ll stand on them & roll right off the stage,
End in a crumpled mess in the dark,
Broken on the concrete below,
It’s the air ambulance for you tonight,
Who the hell put them there!?
Are you serious?
Black-on-black,
What song’s next?
Go look at the set list,
But don’t let anyone see you do it,
It’ll look naff,
There you go again!
What?
The cool thing!
Sorry,
This shirt smells funny,
What?
I never smelled this soap powder before,
You’re supposed to be singing,
Stop with the soap powder thing,
Concentrate!
Who washed this shirt?
It smells like an alien,
Actually it smells unusually sweet,
Like an Alien?
No,
But not like my armpits either,
I thought I washed my own shirts,
Who’s been messing with my shirts!?
Since when did you have time to wash stuff?
I always wash my stuff!
Yeah right,
Move closer to the front of the stage & shut up,
Move away from the front of the stage!
The bloody mic cable’s snagged on the fan again!
Now it’s snagged on the invisible man!
Why can’t I have a radio mic!?
Oh yeah,
I remember,
I need a hair cut,
Chill out Hyde,
Everybody’s doing their best,
I
Need,
A,
Hair cut,
Shut your mouth!,
I’m singing,
I hand’t noticed,
Keep dancin’,
Will anyone notice how carp my dancing is tonight?
Are you kidding?
It’ll be front page news,
DANCING ELEPHANT ENTERTAINS GIANT PASTY

(K)