Friday 18th September



The rains return to Essex after a day of bluesky food for the soul.
I need it all for the long haul as my nursing skills are found
wanting. Not good to be around dark vibes or be left alone with
anyone whose sport is emotional punishment. Yesterday I returned
to my role as primary carer, to be the target of progressive
abuse. Coming from someone who has, all their life, shown me love
& affection, it’s a dark blow to the soul. Left alone all day
in this environment, long into the night drags a body down. Reminds
me of the years I spent alone in my head or alone in my flat,
always desperately alone. Truth is, it’s not like that if I choose
to see it the way it actually is. Everything is going to be ok. Just
been spending too long away from the sunlight & it’s people.
Been putting other’s recovery first to the detriment of my own.
Dad always told me, “Son, if you don’t take care of yourself
how are you going to take care of anyone else?”. Words that ring
more true now than ever, as the steepening learning curve
reveals familiar paths. These are roads I’ve been travelling 18
years now. Easier to be on the inside than to watch someone you love
suffer from the outside. Better that it would be happening to me
than to witness that thing get a hold of someone so precious.
Most days I’m grateful for the tools I have & the path I’ve walked
out of darkness that gives me insider knowledge you can’t find in
books. Most days I’m grateful for a smile, a wave from a passing car,
a bluesky & a morning recording with my mate. What don’t kill you
makes you stronger. These slaps in the face & emotional attack
haven’t killed me yet nor driven me away. Neither is likely, I’ve got
all the tools here & I don’t have a choice, but to nurse the sick &
dying back to health. One day we’ll all laugh, till then fill the
kettleI feel the sun returning.


2 thoughts on “Friday 18th September

  1. Ah Karl I really feel for you. You show much love and compassion where it’s needed the most, and God love you for it. When everyrhing is breaking you are the rock and glue to hold it altogether. Tremendous respect to you and all carers as you are the frontline. Keep opening the toolbox utilise what you have. Try not to take it personally illness affects us all badly and we say and do the worse things to those nearest us, because it’s safe to. One foot in front of the other, best wishes.

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